Oh Glorious Father ....

Oh Glorious Father...

Tonight I ask for your forgiveness, for the ability to forgive & 4 others to forgive me. I ask that you give me the strength 2 move forward in this journey w/ the knowledge that you will provide me balance. I ask that you allow me 2 show others your love - unconditional w/out limitations & expirations. I ask that you bless those in need even if they are unwilling to admit the need. I ask that you continue to allow us your kindness as we come closer to you with our broken pieces. Finally, I thank you for the blessings I see and the ones I have seen. The blessings yet to come and mostly the ones I can not see.

I pray this to you Lord God & I pray it in your precious name and in pure faith.

Amen.

In the Beginning .... Of the End

As I thought about how to continue the Part I of my blog "In the Beginning" I hesitate....  @ this very moment I don't know if I'll hit the "publish" button.

The reason....  well, I've spent the last year trying to move forward....  to forgive, to learn to love, to let go of anger for someone I loved.  I fear this blog post is not actually the "end" of anything but ANOTHER beginning to righting the wrongs in my life.

..... Well, here's a toast to you my saviour....  I'll travel the road you lay ahead for me .....  not my own.

To condense the last year...  to 2 years of my life into words seems impossible.... 

After separating....  we did think of trying to make it work but our hearts were never in it.  It continued to get uglier & uglier.  Name calling, hate filled emails & phone calls.

I'd push for the divorce & he would threaten me....  get mean....  ignore letters, paperwork.... I finally had him "served" and the court date set.  October 2011 .... I had all my paperwork in order I knew in my heart it was finally over.  As I sat in the courtroom & they dialed his phone number....  I felt my stomach turn, the vomit rise into my throat.  See, he had since "disappeared" once I served him.  Disconnected numbers, return mail...  just gone.  So, I assumed his non appearance was imminent & they'd have to grant me freedom.  See, that's exactly what it was for me....  my freedom.  I had given him & my marriage SO much I no longer existed w/out him attached to me.  This was going to be my freedom....  I could snatch my sanity, heart....  soul back from this dreadful reality. 

Then he said Hello.....   They confirmed his identity.  During the hearing he stated that he was NOT served & had no knowledge of anything until he received a "random" piece of mail.

The court ordered me to reserve him & extended another month and a half. 

.... A month and a half later.  He didn't respond like he told the courts...  decided not to fight the divorce & let me go. ....

Now I am sure you are saying....  that's not bad...  I mean everyone has it tough....

What I refuse to go into detail about is how he asked to have my daughters sent to him for the summer....  then refuse to fly them back (leaving me to come up w/ $700 within 2 weeks), the lies that he told to my family....  their responsibility in believing it.  It is ALLEGED at this point that he has broken into my home 2 times.... How while we were married his possessive behavior actually stemmed FROM HIS affairs.  How he introduced my children to the girlfriend he had for over a year while we were STILL actively married.

However, .... that is the end....  & now I can focus on MY BEGINNING !!!!

READY, .... Set,  .... GO!

Twisted Sense of Attraction ....

As I sat on the public bus this morning I watched as a woman sat in front of me with her belongings.  She watched with excitement, attraction & affection as a man boarded the bus.  It was clear to me that they knew each other by the woman's expression.  She began to shuffle her stuff around to make room for this man next to her.  As he walked by...  he looked at her, as if she were a stranger;  said nothing to her & kept going.

My heart sank slightly as I looked at her knowing she felt something for this man & he responded as if he had never seen her before.  In fact, I actually had to hold back tears.... I knew how she felt.

In a split second she gathered her belongings & chased after him.  She sat down next to him & started talking to him about "what happened" .... He responded w/ a few "oh that is bad" .... "he did what's and she said whats"  but nothing really engaging.

She then said...  ya know people are saying that you are "kickin' it (insert girls name) ... & that's where you get all your clothes & stuff"   The man gets defense & begins to tell her he don't care what people say, it's crap, people are just hating, he dont even know her like that.

It was clear she wanted 2 believe him.She asked who she was, he said no one.  She asked how they met, he said thru a friend.  She asked do you like her, he replied....  well, she's cool.

Then it happened.....  I felt tears come on again & I knew what she was feeling.....  she wanted to be his girl....  that "it" girl.  She wanted him to say it was only her...  AND MEAN IT!

Never the less though we all 3 know/knew she wasn't going anywhere....  she feels something for him.  She would get off the bus, follow behind him as they went uptown, probably as far away from "that girl" as possible....  and he'd spend the day w/ one girl and then head home to the other.

As much as I wanted to scream to this girl what was happening I couldnt .... how, could I tell her to run when I couldn't.