Time Heals All Wounds ....

I can’t remember the first time I heard that saying ….. and I always believed it.  With enough space and time …. It would be healed.  Whatever hurt, pain, discomfort, emotional torture I suffer would be repaired and replaced with ease and success.  Its Gods promise right?

I sit here and VIVIDLY remember each hurt I’ve ever endured ….. but TRUTH? …. Some things jump to the front of the line; while others step back and metaphorically relinquish their “value” in my life.

As everyone knows over the past 4 years I’ve done so much demolition and rebuilding on myself …. Discovering who I am … and who I want to be ….  And I remember a time in my life that I was social, outgoing, funny, out spoken … FULL of life with actual friends that I valued and had in my life daily.  Today … I have 2 people in my daily life that truly live in my heart …. (other than my offspring).  Today I look back and evaluate what happened … why I chose this path …. What made me hang a left and leave “ME” behind to adapt a different  version of me.

Which draws me back to “Time Heals All Wounds” ….

Is it time that heals the wounds …. Or our ability to forgive ourselves and others for our perceived “wrongs?” 

Here’s a VERY VERY personal example …. (Dear God … please give me the strength to tell this story)

About 4 or 6 months ago; one of my daughters had an “altercation” with the parent of one of her friends.  My daughter and I were out together and this parent kept calling and/or texting, and in my perception harassing my daughter ON MY TIME.  So I confronted this parent and explained the situation and told them I would get back to them when I was in a better state of mind.  This parent was not friendly and had called me a few names that angered me. … none the less … I explained I would get back with them when I could be in a more productive state of mind.

As I pull up into our driveway and turn off the engine to my car … I see this parent drive into our drive way rather hastily and without warning I SCREAMED to my daughter …”GET IN THE HOUSE!  GET IN THE HOUSE!  Lock the door!  DO NOT come out for anything!  DO NOT let anyone in!  GO GO!!”  - Of course she RAN! Up the stairs and did as I told her ….  I immediately went towards this parent and stood between him and my walk way (yes I said him … that will become relevant).  I IMMEDIATELY prepared for battle …. My ONLY thought was this man will NOT … will NOT get to my daughter … and I felt rage climb inside me … and I honestly felt a silent beast awaken and take over my thoughts, my muscles even my bones.  We stood toe to toe arguing and screaming … so badly that a few of my neighbors came out, I believe, in an attempt to protect me if they saw I needed it.  It ended after about 45 minutes of screaming and yelling … Me in complete battle mode ready to snatch the breath from his body in 1 move.

See, my daughter is 14 years old.  I have lived with a painful agonizing fear that my daughters (the other 17 years old) would be snatched from my home or safety …. 12 years ago my daughters were abducted by their biological father.  He was suppose to bring them home … and never did …. I spent 2 weeks searching and locating him …. Obtaining a restraining order.  Once I located him I attempted to retrieve my children on my own … I was able to grab one but the other he snatched up and pulled into a house.  I was also pulled in and cornered by his family where I listened to my child SCREAM for me …. Scream like her life was over … and I begged for them to please let her go … to please not do this to her.  They beat me up … not badly but for my safety I made the choice to leave with only 1 child and live to fight another day for my other daughter.   After about 2 or 3 more weeks of fighting in court and with him I was given back my other daughter …. For what seemed like a lifetime (a month)  my life had ended … I couldn’t function.  I felt defeated …. I felt I had failed my daughters.  Once I was reunited with my other daughter …

THAT DAY~  THAT MOMENT … I made a promise within myself that I would NEVER allow my children to be in that position again.  We moved often during their years of growing up … and I never told them why.  We changed our numbers often, I wouldn’t let people come over, etc.  I kept our home a secret ….  I never told them what happened …. And I lived with their hatred for me doing things like that …. But in my “reality” ….. they were safe ….. I protected them … I made sure this would never happen again … UNTIL this incident

So, after he left … I ran upstairs to my daughter and as soon as I opened the locked door … I LOST IT!  Tears uncontrollably fell from eyes SO bad my daughter thought I was hurt and kept screaming at me asking me if she should call the police.  Of course she didn’t and I told her not to. 

They still don’t know why I responded that way …. And Im sure it worries her that her mother would take such control and demand things as I did …..

I have forgiven their father, he was worried I was taking them from him … and he fought back in the only way he knew.  What I realized ….. I had never forgiven myself for believing I failed to protect my children ….

Time didn’t heal my wounds ….. 12 years later and I still “attacked” as if this man had a clue as to what I had experienced so long ago.  It is only with forgiveness that we move forward …. Only with love can we erase what was and create what will be.

Treat Me The Way You Want to be Treated

 “Treat Me the Way you WANT to be treated…”

Who’s parent, teacher or friend hasn’t said this? .... (crickets) …. aaahhh (pointing finger in air)  my point exactly.

But how often have you actually HEARD … LISTENED … marinated in this old “mother goose” type saying? …… (crickets) …. Again? …. Never huh? …..   Well … lets …..

Typical SIMPLE Definition – If I kiss you … kiss me back.  If I smile – you smile back.

Typical RELATIONSHIP Definition – If you go hang out with your friends …. I go hang out with mine.  If I get new shoes – get me new shoes.

Typical PARENTAL Definition – If you do your chores I won’t beat the crap out of you J

Typical EMPLOYER Definition – If you do your job …. I pay you.  You respect me – I respect you.

What if we take this to a more flat – Human to Human Definition? …. Lets see

Until LITERALLY 3 hours ago I PRIDED myself on this !!!exact!!! moral statement.  I really saw this statement with the above definitions ….I made a conscious effort to treat people with the greatest respect, the most love and a decent amount of kindness (really?- I know I am not perfect) …. But

Thank MY TRUE Father ABOVE! ….

He placed a thought in my mind that has grown 10 fold over in 3 hours!!!

While talking with a SUPER SPECIAL human being that I admire and keep very … oh so close to my heart …. This POUNDING LOUD … even BRIGHT thought dug its fingers into my brain … deep into my brain … even my heart.

All this time … ALL THIS TIME!  I was carrying out this VERY VERY wise and old statement.  I very much thought the above “definitions” to be true and fact based …. But let me put MY thought … MY FATHERS thought in your mind … and just marinate in it…. Let it get in and get dirty … Here is it ….

“It is not the ACTION that dictates “treating me like I want to be treated” that needs to carried out.  It is the thought process.  We all want to be heard …. Understood … Accepted.  It is that simple.  It is not “letting” people do something that is “treating” them good.  It is the TRUE understanding of someone’s actions or words that is needed to be applied / carried out with this statement.

Here’s … MY WORDS … what my Lord meant (now this may be more specific to me – but LISTEN ANYWAY!)

Sometimes in life we need understanding while going through a rough patch.  We NEED … WANT someone who can be that understanding with us.  We want someone to give us the same understanding and acceptance we ALL seek from people in our lives.  We want the Electric Company to UNDERSTAND that our paychecks were short – child support didn’t come in … etc.  We want our significant other to UNDERSTAND that today was hard and you love them through and through but you need some “self” time.  We get into a new relationship and we want UNDERSTANDING of those who have abused our hearts in the past (while we should wait and rebuild ourselves FIRST – We all know that is not what typically happens) and we want patience ….

Well, my fellow HUMAN BEINGS – you HAVE to – NEED to give that understanding, acceptance and Unconditional love to TRULY heed this statement.

Im so VERY VERY greatful! to the people in my life.  It is the conversations that you allow me to partake in …. It is the life that you allow me to see and the love that opens my heart and mind up SO much to these thoughts.

“Treat me … the way GOD HAS treated you.”

-1 Love

Gods Love!

F-A-T or P-H-A-T

When I weighed over 350lbs people talked about me behind my back and called me fat.

When I started to lose weight …. People talked about me and had TONS of comments regarding my breasts.

Since I’ve became happy with my body … people STILL talk about me behind my back and call me stuck up.

It is VERY sad that no matter your age, body type or attitude people will ALWAYS find something to talk about.  Whats even worse is its NOT the men who speak so ugly of me … its is my own gender!  I cant quite call them “women” because as a woman they would encourage, push and hold me up if I fall or want someone to celebrate with.

My heart is a bit heavy …. WHEN will they get it?!?!!  We destroy our own … I know this life is not about men vs women … but in so so many situations you have women believing men over other women.  You have women within families destroying bonds because of hate and ugliness towards another.

We, although were made for much much more, have this horrible super power to destroy ANY woman who attempts to be “better” in the end. 

I am disgusted by our behavior and our manners towards eachother!

To ALL THE WOMEN who are bettering yourself FOR YOURSELF! … Please take down my name, my FB page, my email … IM me …. FIND ME!  I want to be there to encourage you …. To be your friend when the others have deserted you and left you alone or when they dont! …. I feel your pain my sista and I love you! for having the strength to stand up and continue ANYWAY!

To ALL The WOMEN reading this … I promise to be the friend who is ALWAYS there with a GENUINE “atta boy” …. Who will jump and “hoot” in YOUR CORNER as you exceed your OWN expectations.  I will run the race with you …. I will fight the fight with you …. I will cry your tears if you are unable.  I promise to defend you or stand next to you …. Or push you from behind.

I LOVE YOU! … Even when you cant find it in yourself to love you.  Stand Tall …. And let me stand with you!  …. And to ALL THOSE “OTHERS” ….. 

Heaven help your heart …. And your soul …. WE WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE LIVE AND BE BETTER whether you are with us or not.  However, … when you are ready … our arms are open!

Discouraging Words

I have been on the receiving and giving ends of discouraging words.  Until this very moment I did not realize that long after speaking the words and silence has filled the room do those words echo in someone's mind continuing to create self doubt.

Not only in that moment or day ... But for days ... Week's ... Months or even years.

Here's my dilemma .... Its hard not to hold people accountable for OUR own personal feelings .... ESPECIALLY when they are not holding themselves accountable.  

As I said I've been on both ends .... While receiving these ugly words I felt many many things .... And even though I may have forgiven them and moved forward (so I thought) I realize that I did not forgive myself for a. allowing what they said to affect me & b. not moving forward .... See I clearly didn't move forward because I still harbor these thoughts in my head and they prohibit me from doing or saying certain things without fear of rejection .... I'm ALSO already rejecting myself .... Defeating the whole dayeum purpose.

I can't control what people say .... What they may do .... But I encourage you all to TRY & consider ALL damage your words may cause BEFORE giving them life.

Just as a rape or burglary damages are long term ... If not life term .... Words can have the same shelf life.

Adhere to the wise saying ... If you have nothing nice to say .... Try saying nothing at all.

~Fighting The INNER Beast~

My evolution is beyond my control .... I am not now who I was 5 seconds ago.  Whether due to knowledge, thought, smile or emotion .... the fact that I am continually evolving is amazing .... So .... 

It is very clear to me that part of me is smarter .... more intelligent then the other  :-)

I realize ... in fact ........   I KNOW  that love is not defined by validation from other people, a title or jewelery, etc. However, my "dumb" wants to kick in repeatedly when I hear other people being "LOVED" like I want... (EVEN as I type this my "smart"  kicks in and says "but you have NO idea what other's love is like Ms LeeLee ... maybe you DONT want that love) .....  It is SO right.

I know that these things do not make someone "love me" ... or make them faithful ... or nice ... or care for me. 

But .... my other side wants it SO badly.

I want a love undefinable .... but I want a title?
I want a love to outlast everything by Gods Grace .... but Im rushing without his permission?

My inner beast is full ON today ..... My friend is engaged ... and while I am completely against marriage ... the wish to feel the love she must feel  ..... Im not saying HER love is MY love ... but clearly this man loves her enough to give his life to her .... however ... whatever "love" it is .... it works for them ....

I simply want the love that works for me ..... 

!!!ITS MY LOVE AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!