I can’t remember the first time I heard that saying …..
and I always believed it. With enough
space and time …. It would be healed. Whatever
hurt, pain, discomfort, emotional torture I suffer would be repaired and
replaced with ease and success. Its Gods
promise right?
I sit here and VIVIDLY remember each hurt I’ve ever
endured ….. but TRUTH? …. Some things jump to the front of the line; while
others step back and metaphorically relinquish their “value” in my life.
As everyone knows over the past 4 years I’ve done so much
demolition and rebuilding on myself …. Discovering who I am … and who I want to
be …. And I remember a time in my life
that I was social, outgoing, funny, out spoken … FULL of life with actual
friends that I valued and had in my life daily.
Today … I have 2 people in my daily life that truly live in my heart ….
(other than my offspring). Today I look
back and evaluate what happened … why I chose this path …. What made me hang a
left and leave “ME” behind to adapt a different
version of me.
Which draws me back to “Time Heals All Wounds” ….
Is it time that heals the wounds …. Or our ability to
forgive ourselves and others for our perceived “wrongs?”
Here’s a VERY VERY personal example …. (Dear God … please
give me the strength to tell this story)
About 4 or 6 months ago; one of my daughters had an “altercation”
with the parent of one of her friends.
My daughter and I were out together and this parent kept calling and/or
texting, and in my perception harassing my daughter ON MY TIME. So I confronted this parent and explained the
situation and told them I would get back to them when I was in a better state
of mind. This parent was not friendly
and had called me a few names that angered me. … none the less … I explained I
would get back with them when I could be in a more productive state of mind.
As I pull up into our driveway and turn off the engine to
my car … I see this parent drive into our drive way rather hastily and without
warning I SCREAMED to my daughter …”GET IN THE HOUSE! GET IN THE HOUSE! Lock the door! DO NOT come out for anything! DO NOT let anyone in! GO GO!!”
- Of course she RAN! Up the stairs and did as I told her …. I immediately went towards this parent and
stood between him and my walk way (yes I said him … that will become relevant). I IMMEDIATELY prepared for battle …. My ONLY
thought was this man will NOT … will NOT get to my daughter … and I felt rage
climb inside me … and I honestly felt a silent beast awaken and take over my
thoughts, my muscles even my bones. We
stood toe to toe arguing and screaming … so badly that a few of my neighbors
came out, I believe, in an attempt to protect me if they saw I needed it. It ended after about 45 minutes of screaming
and yelling … Me in complete battle mode ready to snatch the breath from his
body in 1 move.
See, my daughter is 14 years old. I have lived with a painful agonizing fear
that my daughters (the other 17 years old) would be snatched from my home or
safety …. 12 years ago my daughters were abducted by their biological
father. He was suppose to bring them
home … and never did …. I spent 2 weeks searching and locating him …. Obtaining
a restraining order. Once I located him
I attempted to retrieve my children on my own … I was able to grab one but the
other he snatched up and pulled into a house.
I was also pulled in and cornered by his family where I listened to my
child SCREAM for me …. Scream like her life was over … and I begged for them to
please let her go … to please not do this to her. They beat me up … not badly but for my safety
I made the choice to leave with only 1 child and live to fight another day for
my other daughter. After about 2 or 3
more weeks of fighting in court and with him I was given back my other daughter
…. For what seemed like a lifetime (a month)
my life had ended … I couldn’t function.
I felt defeated …. I felt I had failed my daughters. Once I was reunited with my other daughter …
THAT DAY~ THAT
MOMENT … I made a promise within myself that I would NEVER allow my children to
be in that position again. We moved
often during their years of growing up … and I never told them why. We changed our numbers often, I wouldn’t let
people come over, etc. I kept our home a
secret …. I never told them what
happened …. And I lived with their hatred for me doing things like that …. But in
my “reality” ….. they were safe ….. I protected them … I made sure this would
never happen again … UNTIL this incident
So, after he left … I ran upstairs to my daughter and as
soon as I opened the locked door … I LOST IT!
Tears uncontrollably fell from eyes SO bad my daughter thought I was
hurt and kept screaming at me asking me if she should call the police. Of course she didn’t and I told her not to.
They still don’t know why I responded that way …. And Im
sure it worries her that her mother would take such control and demand things
as I did …..
I have forgiven their father, he was worried I was taking
them from him … and he fought back in the only way he knew. What I realized ….. I had never forgiven
myself for believing I failed to protect my children ….
Time didn’t heal my wounds ….. 12 years later and I still
“attacked” as if this man had a clue as to what I had experienced so long
ago. It is only with forgiveness that we
move forward …. Only with love can we erase what was and create what will be.
